There Are No Words

I broke our camera the other day trying to take a picture of my dad's guitar that he's selling. It dropped right out of my hand and landed smack on the lens, which is now stuck halfway out, halfway in, and it refuses to go back or forth either way. I'm really mad at myself. It was an expensive camera; one of those video/digital cameras in one. So now we're out both.

But the camera is on the bottom of our list at the time. Many of you have already heard that we've been having some complications with this pregnancy. Because of my kidney disease, we have always known that there were risks to carrying a child; for me and for the baby. We have been blessed to have two previous pregnancies that were basically normal, except for some swelling that's a little beyond what most women go through, and having the girls come so small. But they've been healthy, and I've always checked out okay afterwards. But each time we decide to have another child, we know there's a chance of preeclampsia (toxemia) and preterm labor. My kidneys just don't function well enough to provide good blood flow to the fetus, and so they don't grow at a normal rate. And then towards the end, they stop growing all together. So the doctor performs an amniocentisis to make sure the lungs are developed, and then they induce labor. The babies always seem to grow better once they're out.

I go in to the doctor's office twice a week starting at 28 weeks for fetal monitoring and an ultrasound. The baby has two "tests" to pass on the monitoring and eight "tests" to pass on the ultrasound. They want to see things such as a certain number of heart accelerations in a certain number of minutes, blood flow through the cord and to the brain, breathing movements, and so on. For the past two weeks the baby hasn't been passing his tests. It could be something as simple as the tech missing it, or the baby is just being lazy. But it has concerned the doctor a little. The growth rate is the most important thing right now, and there was a point where they measured no growth for four weeks. Luckily, he started growing again, slowly but surely, and is weighing about two and a half pounds right now. Which would be fine since I really have nine weeks left, but some other things have come up since then that have made the doctor say he'd be surprised if I stayed pregnant for another five weeks. I've been having a lot of pain in my back and lower abdomen, which we found out is being caused by a cyst that has grown on one of my ovaries. They're quite common, but they usually are gone by the time the first trimester is over. Unfortunately mine has just kept on growing, and is now causing me pain. We have to wait until the baby is born to see if it will go away on its own or if it needs to be removed. I've also been having contractions at night. They're nothing to complain about, really, but my doctor wants to be called, no matter what time of the day or night, if I have more than five in an hour. So I battle with myself each time it happens: Should I call now? Should I wait and see if they just stop on their own? Maybe I'll wait until I KNOW it's real labor. Maybe by then it will be too late. Better safe than sorry, right? No, they'll just make me go in to the hospital and spend hours there being monitored before they send me home with a nice bill. It's torture.

My swelling has been less this time than last time, but my blood pressure has gone up, and the amount of protein in my urine is off the charts. On Monday I was told that if my blood pressure went up anymore by my Thursday appointment, I would have to be admitted to the hospital. No bed rest at home, just straight to the hospital. And the thought of not being with my husband and my girls for six weeks was overwhelming. Who would take care of the girls while The Man was at work? What would they eat for dinner, and who would do the laundry and clean the house and make sure the girls' hair was done every day? And how on earth would I stay sane lying in a bed for WEEKS with only daily phone calls and random visits from them? My mind had a million thoughts in two seconds of how horrible this would be. But the doctor just said, "You and your husband need to arrange your schedules and get things in order in case this happens. I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but you need to be prepared."

And so we did. My neighbors knew I had been sick, and had already been helping out with babysitting the girls and bringing dinners at night. Because it's my calling and I know how the Relief Society works, I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was when I got the phone call from the RS president letting me know they were working out a schedule for people to take the girls Monday through Friday from 9am to 4pm, dinners would be delievered every other night, and they were putting together a bunch of freezer meals for us to keep on the nights dinner wasn't brought in. I've never been on this end of service before. And it's not easy being here. I feel physically capable to do the things I do every day, and so it feels like I'm taking advantage of people. I thanked her and accepted the offer for help, knowing that if I tried to take on the daily tasks myself, there was a good chance I was not coming home after Thursday.

The Man organized a family fast in behalf of the baby and me, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the willingness of everyone who chose to participate. My mom put my name in the temple, and I know everyone prayed right along with us for everything to be okay. I knew in my heart that everything WOULD be okay, even if I was admitted, and even if I had the baby this early. My rational mind would tell me that people have babies that are only one pound or even less, and they can survive just fine. By Thursday, I was at total peace, and I pretty much knew what was going to happen. But just to be safe, I stopped in at Babies R Us on the way to the doctor's to pick out a carseat. When I got to the office, they took me in the back and checked my blood pressure first thing. The nurse and I both watched the machine closely. When the numbers popped up on the screen, each down two points from Monday, we both smiled and said, "Yeah!!!!" The doctor said he was happy with the results of the bloodwork from Monday, and that they were still waiting for a couple test results, but that I would get to go home.

I was taken back to the room for fetal monitoring with a great big smile on my face. I had only been in the room a few minutes when another nurse popped her head in the room and said, "Good job on the blood pressure today!" It took over two hours, but the baby passed his tests that day on the monitor and the ultrasound. I've been given instructions to "take it easy" at home, but no real restrictions. Needless to say, I drove home in a great mood.

I got home and made a few phone calls, and then I thought about all of you, and I said a little prayer to thank my Heavenly Father for putting such wonderful people in my life. I truly don't have the words to thank you enough for all the help and prayers for us. I wish I could be with each of you to tell you thank you in person and give you a great big hug, but for now I'll settle for this amazing technology that lets me say it to everyone all at once. I know you each made a difference in our lives this week, and it fills my heart to know that so many people would focus their time and their faith toward our family in a time of need. You are all so amazing to me. This is not the first time my testimony has been strengthened by prayer and fasting, but it has boosted that strength to a higher level. We are so blessed.

So for now we're just on a visit by visit basis. If I can keep my blood pressure down, I get to stay at home. But sometimes I sit here and think, even IF things don't go perfectly for the next couple of weeks, we'll be just fine. If I end up going in to stay for a while, or if the baby comes early, I know we'll still be just fine. And then I'm reminded ... we have no camera for pictures or video. You can't have a baby when you don't have a camera. I guess this little boy will just have to wait to come.